Y2: Day 40 (Waiting) Waiting Is Anticipation, Anxious, Frustration And Dread

Waiting is a form of anticipation leading to anxious, frustration and dread.  As for me, I’m full of dread and consumed by the fury and anxiety which goes along with it, because I often get restless, bored and tired.  Often, waiting fills me with dread, and the feeling whatever it is or whomever it is I’m waiting for isn’t going to happen or the person isn’t going to arrive.

It’s unfounded by the complacency of how each of us spends most of our time waiting for things to happen even though we go about our regular routine accomplishing the same tasks day after day.  For many it is because it seems like there’s not much else out there in the world.  At least I tend to feel in such a way where I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of dread.

I’m often feeling like I’m stuck in a rut, doing the same things day in and day out.  I’ve been trying to be patient when it comes to receiving word back from the remainder of the places I’ve submitted my novel to.  I’m wondering if they are taking their time in responding back to me, because they have strong interest enough in my stories to want to publish them, or if they are slow in their progress of analyzing them for reasons of finding fault with something within the given piece of writing.

I wish I could be filled with a feeling of positive resolution instead of having to face the anguish of getting up in the morning to check my email messages, and finding no response from any of the places I’ve applied to.  Although in some cases a time period is set where they’ll thank me in their email message and telling me my submission has been received.  I’m often told I’ll be hearing back from them within two weeks time, and sometimes it a few months.  The weeks go by and I hear nothing from them.  Months pass, and there’s still no word from the given publishers I submitted to.

I begin to lose hope.  My heart is stammered, because I often think to myself, “Why do I bother submitting to any publishers when they’re only taking their time in responding to me.  I often think their failure to respond to me results from their complete loss of interest in my story.

I realize I shouldn’t worry about the publishers either accepting my work for publication or even not accepting my work for publication.  However, it’s nice to have some kind of success with my writing.  I know it’s important for me to stick with my writing craft, and to keep putting in a solid effort each day.  Only then can growth and development take place.  In the end, it will make me stronger as a writer and more effective in expressing my voice.

I’m often at a loss for words when amazing things happen to me; however, even then life can be overwhelming.  It’s when I think to myself, “Why couldn’t success through this means have happened sooner.  Why should it have taken so many years for me to have won a cash prize in a literary contest, when others win such prizes at a much earlier age.”  Instead of enjoying my success, I’m often faced with the dread of the delays I’ve had in obtaining success.

I believe anything worth doing is worth fighting for.  When achievement is finally brought to fruition, the greatest reward can be not overwhelming, but overpowering to the senses.

It’s important to subsidize one’s time through dedication when it comes to one’s pursuits of anything in life.  Not everyone achieves in life at the same pace, although it would be nice if one could achieve at the same pace as others.  We are all on different paths in life.  Although many chose similar professions, their roads towards achieving success are often not met with the same results.  Whatever one’s winding road or twists and turns are often stem from adversity he or she is on course to face during one’s lifetime.

The municipal principle comes from the building up of endurance to march on in the face of adversity and develop one’s sense of patience.  Patience is not only a virtue, but it is the mastery of a great skill.  It is a skill which come with time and through daily meditation and practice.  I’m forty-six years old, and I’m still learning to master the skill of patience.  Often frustration has plagued my life.  It goes along with what my high school psychology teacher often expressed and stressed to his students.  “When a goal directed behavior is blocked, frustration results.”

For many years, I’ve had goal directed behaviors blocked.  It often stemmed from either the lack of knowledge and skill, or it had to do with one needing more knowledge to apply to one’s craft.  At least I found myself facing such matters of growth and development not only with my skill as a writer, but also with obtaining inner growth as a person.

I can remember back during the nineteen-nineties when I’d become so frustrated by rejection from publishers, I’d often toss my manuscripts into the garbage bin.  I often gave up on myself, because waiting for a good publisher to accept my work overwhelmed me and often led to self-doubt.  My aunt and uncle always recovered my manuscripts and gave them back to me only to have the same process occur again.  Finally, my aunt collected the manuscripts from the garbage bin, and put them in a special place where they’d be protected from me until I was ready to put them to good use and submit them again.

It took me thirteen years to get accepted by a publisher which wasn’t a vanity publisher.  I ended up getting my first book published through means of a print on demand publisher.  Dominica’s Inferno was the first book of mine to ever be published at all.  To see my novel in print for the first time gave me gratification.  I was elated to be able to share my story with the world.  I’ve had several other books published since then.  However, I’d like to move on to the next phase in the world of publishing.  I’d like to overcome the obstacles when it comes to getting my work accepted by traditional publishers.

I’ve learned recently although I’ve grown over the years with my writing craft, there are still other skill within the craft I have yet to master.  So I decided to participating in a free editing program offered by Tethered by Letters of which the folks over there will not only edit my work, but they will assist me with further developing my story.  Doing so will bring it up to the standards where it can be accepted by online publishers or by any other type of publisher.

© Copyright, Kiki Stamatiou, 2016


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