Day 46: (What Are You Struggling With?) Although I Achieve 500+ words for the daily writing challenge, I sometimes lose steam when writing for other sites

Although I do manage to complete 500+ words a day for the daily writing challenge, there are works of fiction I write for other sites which I’m not able to obtain at least 500 words a day, because I struggle with finding additional experiences or ideas to incorporate into the given piece of fiction.  Generally, I strive to write at least 500 words or more day not only for the My 500 Words Daily Assignments, but I take the initiative to incorporate the same principles I’ve learned through participation on My 500 Words to when I work on pieces for other sites.  When I don’t reach my goal of at least 500 words for a piece of fiction, It’s disappointing and disheartening.  Generally, when this happens, I feel like I have let myself down.  I strive to measure up to high standards I set for myself.

For me, it is not acceptable to fall short of any goal I set for myself, although I do realize I’m human; therefore, I’m prone to make mistakes just as any human being is.  However, I try to be above making mistakes.  I believe there are times I set too much pressure upon myself to succeed, because I only want to achieve the best, and to be the very best I can possibly be.  It’s important I don’t fall short of my goals.  I realize to expect to be perfect all of the time, and not to make mistakes is an unrealistic expectation.  However, I have been condition to believe I must achieve what I set out to do, from the time I was a small child.

During my childhood, my father put the notion in my head about how if I can’t achieve something on my own, I’m no good.  He claimed I’m not good for anything, should I fail at something.  To make a mistake of any kind was out of the question.  Although he himself was and still is not perfect, in his mind, he has always been perfect.  He believes he himself is a good person, when in reality the opposite is true.  This pressure to succeed has followed me into my adult years.  At times during my early adult years through my early to mid 20’s the pressure to succeed was damaging.  Due to the urgency to succeed at everything I strived to do, severe depression set in.  Failing at something in life was most devastating for me, because doing so made me feel worthless, and unworthy.  I felt this need to live up to my father’s expectations of me, if I was to get his approval.  However, I realized even when I did  succeed at something in life, I still couldn’t live up to his approval, because he always said I shouldn’t expect praise for doing or achieving something I was supposed to be doing anyway.  There just was no pleasing him, because in his eyes, even now, I’d never be good enough at anything I strived for.

© Copyright, Kiki Stamatiou, 2015

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